driving

I hate being irritated and depressed for no reason. Occasionally I just get that way, something triggers it (usually something miniscule) and then it completely overwhelms me. I just wanna do something that will completely absorb me in something different where I don't have to deal with stuff (cuz I know I won't deal with it well in my state) and then when people don't want to and complain I get really really frustrated and angry and irritated and crap. which is completely unreasonable and I know that, which is why I usually just stop myself from doing anything and wander off somewhere so I don't do anything I'll regret. Sometimes I do stuff I regret regardless. Then everyone thinks i'm grumpy and mad, which I am, but not for logical reasons, I don't mean to be and I don't want to be.... it just takes over. My mind picks out all kinds of stuff to be irritated about, little things that haven't even come up in a while or just... i don't know..... really dumb crap. I hate it, I HATE IT! I wish I could be in control of myself, I hate feeling like I'm sliding on ice and totally lost control of steering. And I never wanna talk to people about it cuz I don't think they'll get it, plus I'm afraid I'll say stuff I won't mean and it'll come back to bite me.
Then of course, whenever I get frustrated or really really anxious I get depressed after. It's just some stupid pattern. Everyone wants to know whats wrong, and I wanna tell them, but I don't even know what is wrong. There's no reason. I'm depressed because I'm depressed.
It's like everything gets all blurred and I can't see it clearly, not literally, but like everything has a depression screen in front of it. Everything gets filtered into my brain so that its depressing and sad, no matter what it is. I feel like I'm about to cry constantly. I feel completely alone even though I have a million close friends around, I feel pathetic and small and worthless. I feel cruel, I feel hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm trapped in some box that I can't break out of and it's slowly filling with water.
I wanna break through the box but I don't know how, I want someone to help and do it for me, but I can't, I can only do it myself, but I'm to down and tired and sunken to do it myself. So I just sit and wait it out.
Sometimes it goes over time. Sometimes it fades a bit and comes back again. Sometimes it doesn't go til the next morning. Sometimes I wake up and its still there.
I've learned to control it better but, I just get tired of constantly watching the road and working the gears, I wanna pull over for a bit or switch drivers, but thats the place where the car metaphor doesn't work. You can't really pull over in life, it's gonna keep going. When I lay off and let go.. I swerve and loose control.....and end up like this. It can happen in a split second and last for days.
I feel so lost and alone and, well frankly, crazy.
I really suck at driving.

Math class day 1

this is something i was writing during math. it's kinda my train of thought i guess. things in quotes are said by either the teacher or other students and if i refer to a "she" or "her" i'm talking about my teacher. i started out bouncing my leg

bounce, bounce, bounce bounce. "the computer generates a score sheet." bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. "When I score that homework page I add up whatever...." ...bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
Shorter hair, blue "swirt", happy, kinda peppy personality. erases board. I don't have a calculator... "I don't allow calculators", well that's good. Board is erased.
Back of room, end of row,. sea of heads bobbing around in front of me. Graphing. ew. "equal spaces have to count for equal space in numbers..." "This is wrong. this is wrong."
Doing basic stuff, easy, sweetness. Will have homework tonight. sigh. weight in pounds. month. weight vs. time..weight.... I need to excersize. No gym membership. Park? Apartment? hmmm. Words to know: interpolate. plate. food. lunch. when does hye soo have lunch? hungry. no food in apartment. grocery........ugh. smelly apartment. Closet from hell needs to be dealt with. When is Adan moving in? Where is that mattress?.....math. oh.
Words to know: extrapolate. bathroom. need bathroom. wait.
She seems....strange towards me, good? bad? we'll see. ...bathroom. do graphs go the other direction in Asia......? huh..."inside of pie" "first on is called a line graph" first what? ..oh. this handout next to me. pie graph. I love pe. too much. I am fat. me-fat, not normal fat, but still. Notebook dropped, spilled papers. everyone is mumbling. No one to discuss with....."mumble mumble". I say mumble grumble to myself. "...almost all the money goes to..." money. sigh. no money have I. bathroom....Bathroom!! Is worksheet homework? "...baby weighs..." I haven't seen Zae in forever. Filled out chart. Keep mind focused... bathroom. bathroom. bathroom. I'm going

Back. whats happening...? need to read wuthering heights. harry potter. some girls. wanna finish some girls. scene with hye soo... play. ugh need to memorize so much...wanna see movies in book hye soo gave me.
She is talking about her mother's shorts. scarf is nice, and cumfy. hye soo hates it, I like it. Class is over. done
What was homework? shoot.

I find this puppet guy on youtube really entertaining. yes they are kinda dumb, but i love it.

For your obscure entertainment

Happy new years

First of all happy new years.

i'm sitting in my bed being a lazy butt. sigh.
So i watched the Dick Clark new years party thingy that they do everysingle year and........wow. Apparently Dick Clark died and they got some faulty robot replacement. It was frightening. He looked like fake and weird and then he started to talk....everything was all slurred and incomprehensible, Ryan seacrest would just be like "you're completely right boss!" cuz nobody new what he was saying.
Now I guess he had a stroke a while back and thats why. but why is he still on tv? The poor guy its humiliating. Its horrible. He's on there sayin "Thang youawlfohhr jshooning uus hewreon new ears...." and so on and you just wanna die its so painful to watch. It was like happy cheesey new years eve in times square crap lalalala and then the camera switches to good ol' Dick............ most uncomfortable experience ever.

-so thank goodness for the auto save thing on here cuz my stupid computer just turned itself off for no reason.



Watch up to the slobber kiss part. Yes, I know I am horrible but it was just embarrassing to watch, the poor guy, take him off

birth, cookies, and fifth grade counterfeiters

Christmas eve we always do some sort of nativity thing

Previously we would act it out with all the little kids, my cousin Zannie enjoyed playing baby jesus.  in her underwear.  while keaton would spend the night of christ's birth stealing animals from the stable.

This year we didn't have the proper amount of volunteers to put together another live action performance.  My mom asked for something to be thrown together

I tried to hide out behind my labtop but alas, my aunt found me and put me in charge.

Well, I decided that I was gonna do it my own, less traditional but more realistic way.  We did a puppet show of the nativity; complete with soundtrack and an ambilical cord.

I made mary look less precious and perfect and more like a frantic pregnant woman going into labor.  Joseph was a worried looking man carrying the diaper bag.

When the moment of birth came Mary yelled and Joseph frantically tried to help.  Finally, the baby came out; pink, wrinkly and small, ambilical attached.  The cord was cut and he was wrapped and laid in the manger.

Now i'm sure you think I am sacreligious and horrible, but I was merely adding what is always cut, it was part of her trail and difficulty, she had to go through the experience of birth in a stable!  Everyone portrays it as some la-di-da and suddenly there he is wrapped in swaddling clothes.

No matter how I put it though, I'm probably going to hell...

the performance was a success (in that it happened.  and no one died, or cried, or was struck down by God's wrath).  It got the story and message across totally fine and made people happy.  ambilical and all.  so there.    judgers.

-moving on-

on christmas my aunt was telling us about my cousin Keaton's school in North Carolina (where they moved a couple years ago).

The school is called Carver Elementary.  Recently they decided to create a form of reward for good behavior by giving out "Carver Cash" to students and then having a little junk sale thing at the end of each semester.

So Keaton comes home one day and says "Mom, this whole Carver cash thing is full of scandals"

Apparently one kid had starting printing counterfeit carver cash and secretly distributing and laundering it throughout the school.  He wasn't printing ones, however, like everyone was given, but instead twenties that he had manufactured on his computer.  So suddenly all these kids are walking around with pockets full of counterfeit pretend money.  

The teachers begin to notice whats going on and decide to, in fairness to the good kids, start including twenties in the cash they distributed (which, course did nothing but make the money print business easier to disguise). However, they only allowed it among the fifth graders, but slowly some third graders started getting ahold of the cash, and fourth, and second and so on.

At one point during all this the teachers had taken all the fake fake money and it was kept away in the rest of the money stash.  Little did they know just how far these kids would go to get ahold of some sweet green.  One of the students snuck into the teacher's office, found the secret folder and stole it.  He then distributed it back among the student's.

At this point all kinds of trading had started throughout the school, mainly at lunch.  Carver Cash was being used to purchase food from one another, but at this point inflation was high and the Carver dollar had lost much of its worth, so suddenly a capri-sun is costing 20 dollars and 30 for a slice of pb&j.  The counterfeiters and friends were rolling in dough so it was no problem for them, but the good kids who had to obey the rules were forced to become lunchroom merchants.

Then there were the events of overpaying teachers. One of the substitutes didn't totally understand how the whole Carver Cash situation worked so she would hand out fifty green for one reward (far more than any other classes were getting).  These students seemed to have gotten into a lucky situation here.  this is only going to throw their economy off even more creating such distinct economic levels.

Once junk sale day came it was a complete mess.  Kids came in (especially the bus kids) with pockets loaded while others who had been good the whole semester had a mere twenty dollars Carver Cash.  Then in comes the sub's class, million's flowing from their power ranger lunch boxes and hello kitty backpacks.

Well.  It seems the whole school has had a great financial lesson here.  Or just shown where our country is headed with this generation of money laundering children standing next in line.  

It'll be interesting.

-new topic-

Much of my time the past fews days has been spent playing Zombie in the zombie hunters game my little cousins enjoy playing.  It always begins with me just being some bad guy chasing them.  So they kill me.  But that happens to fast and is boring so they decide that I must then become a zombie to make things interesting.  So I follow them around the house and yard; head cocked, dragging one leg, a bit of drool resting on the lower lip (and occasionally running to catch up when they aren't looking).  If i got tired I would simply hid in a closet or shower and wait to pounce.  Of course, it didn't really matter if I did get them because no matter how much brain I ate they still would remain unharmed (kinda killed any real risk of the game).  Finally I took refuge from the hunters upon the roof which I climbed up onto and collected cookies, artillary and my other older cousin (about my age).  We fought the army below by throwing chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies down at them and shooting nerf guns which we had stolen from their youngest warrior of six years, Ryan.

Our various forms of weaponry each had their advantages and disadvantages.  The chocolate chip cookies were softer, and therefore better to eat, but also they held together better on contact, whereas the dry oatmeal cookies crumbled to bits.  If they held together, chances were greater that they would be thrown back up at us which meant we could throw them back, saving the rest for our stomachs.  

The battle raged on between the two sides.  The cause of war blurred in a torrent of chocolate chips and orange slices.  Spies crouched on rooftops, armed guards at the doors.  Soldiers even sunk as low as tattle-telling and bird poop throwing.  At one point the hose was unleashed and sprayed up at the roof, soaking me and my comrade to the bone.  This same hose was even used to threaten the life of my beloved electronic theme music T shirt I had recently received as a christmas gift.  I allowed them to throw all matter of artillary at me to save that shirt, but still refused to surrender.

On and on we fought, no end in sight.  Ryan changed up his strategy.  He wore wigs and medallions and proceeded to perform a war dance in hopes to distract the attention of the opposing side.  In all truthfulness, it did make things more difficult for us but we fought on.

Once dinner was called, the fighting ended.  It was left behind as tamales were engulfed by the weary warriors.  The battle still lays in our memories; the triumphs and failures, the tears we cried, the limbs we lost, but more importantly, the brave heros we fought alongside and the great men we have become because of them.

Always remember the battle of chocolate chip and oatmeal raison.

bingo, copters, and presents

hm....christmas is past.....hm...

I love christmas.  and family.  

on tuesday hye soo and I hiked camelback mountain which was awesome.  When we got to the top there were christmas trees, well one christmas tree and then a normal tree with christmas decorations.  I brought up two weird little ornamnts from when connie and i were little (we had taken a bunch of ornaments and glued sequins on them, they were, of course, beautiful).  So we hung those on the trees and then sat and played bingo (say bingo when you see a yellow car and punch the other person) by searching out yellow cars on the street below. 

Then this helicopter was flying around and it flew really close and I thought we were gonna be like attacked by the FBI or something.  My initial instinct was to take off by way of secret agent hand glider but I stayed a moment longer to observe the situation, rather than attract unwanted attention.

So I waited, prepared to leap at any moment, however, the helicopter had simply come to wave good morning to all the hikers and then take off again.  One more close call.

Then we went to this weird ceramic bell artsy weird underground dark crystalesque place.  It was super awesome and strange... They lived in little hobbit tunnels underground.

Christmas=good times

-record player=yes, quite yes

-theme music shirt= plays background music for life on a built in speaker.  It is great.

-clothes= good stuff, hobo gloves...

-dark night= the case is shaped like batman's mask, so awesome

-so on.

So I spent a good portion of christmas running around to the james bond theme which played from my t shirt.