driving

I hate being irritated and depressed for no reason. Occasionally I just get that way, something triggers it (usually something miniscule) and then it completely overwhelms me. I just wanna do something that will completely absorb me in something different where I don't have to deal with stuff (cuz I know I won't deal with it well in my state) and then when people don't want to and complain I get really really frustrated and angry and irritated and crap. which is completely unreasonable and I know that, which is why I usually just stop myself from doing anything and wander off somewhere so I don't do anything I'll regret. Sometimes I do stuff I regret regardless. Then everyone thinks i'm grumpy and mad, which I am, but not for logical reasons, I don't mean to be and I don't want to be.... it just takes over. My mind picks out all kinds of stuff to be irritated about, little things that haven't even come up in a while or just... i don't know..... really dumb crap. I hate it, I HATE IT! I wish I could be in control of myself, I hate feeling like I'm sliding on ice and totally lost control of steering. And I never wanna talk to people about it cuz I don't think they'll get it, plus I'm afraid I'll say stuff I won't mean and it'll come back to bite me.
Then of course, whenever I get frustrated or really really anxious I get depressed after. It's just some stupid pattern. Everyone wants to know whats wrong, and I wanna tell them, but I don't even know what is wrong. There's no reason. I'm depressed because I'm depressed.
It's like everything gets all blurred and I can't see it clearly, not literally, but like everything has a depression screen in front of it. Everything gets filtered into my brain so that its depressing and sad, no matter what it is. I feel like I'm about to cry constantly. I feel completely alone even though I have a million close friends around, I feel pathetic and small and worthless. I feel cruel, I feel hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm trapped in some box that I can't break out of and it's slowly filling with water.
I wanna break through the box but I don't know how, I want someone to help and do it for me, but I can't, I can only do it myself, but I'm to down and tired and sunken to do it myself. So I just sit and wait it out.
Sometimes it goes over time. Sometimes it fades a bit and comes back again. Sometimes it doesn't go til the next morning. Sometimes I wake up and its still there.
I've learned to control it better but, I just get tired of constantly watching the road and working the gears, I wanna pull over for a bit or switch drivers, but thats the place where the car metaphor doesn't work. You can't really pull over in life, it's gonna keep going. When I lay off and let go.. I swerve and loose control.....and end up like this. It can happen in a split second and last for days.
I feel so lost and alone and, well frankly, crazy.
I really suck at driving.

Math class day 1

this is something i was writing during math. it's kinda my train of thought i guess. things in quotes are said by either the teacher or other students and if i refer to a "she" or "her" i'm talking about my teacher. i started out bouncing my leg

bounce, bounce, bounce bounce. "the computer generates a score sheet." bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. "When I score that homework page I add up whatever...." ...bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
Shorter hair, blue "swirt", happy, kinda peppy personality. erases board. I don't have a calculator... "I don't allow calculators", well that's good. Board is erased.
Back of room, end of row,. sea of heads bobbing around in front of me. Graphing. ew. "equal spaces have to count for equal space in numbers..." "This is wrong. this is wrong."
Doing basic stuff, easy, sweetness. Will have homework tonight. sigh. weight in pounds. month. weight vs. time..weight.... I need to excersize. No gym membership. Park? Apartment? hmmm. Words to know: interpolate. plate. food. lunch. when does hye soo have lunch? hungry. no food in apartment. grocery........ugh. smelly apartment. Closet from hell needs to be dealt with. When is Adan moving in? Where is that mattress?.....math. oh.
Words to know: extrapolate. bathroom. need bathroom. wait.
She seems....strange towards me, good? bad? we'll see. ...bathroom. do graphs go the other direction in Asia......? huh..."inside of pie" "first on is called a line graph" first what? ..oh. this handout next to me. pie graph. I love pe. too much. I am fat. me-fat, not normal fat, but still. Notebook dropped, spilled papers. everyone is mumbling. No one to discuss with....."mumble mumble". I say mumble grumble to myself. "...almost all the money goes to..." money. sigh. no money have I. bathroom....Bathroom!! Is worksheet homework? "...baby weighs..." I haven't seen Zae in forever. Filled out chart. Keep mind focused... bathroom. bathroom. bathroom. I'm going

Back. whats happening...? need to read wuthering heights. harry potter. some girls. wanna finish some girls. scene with hye soo... play. ugh need to memorize so much...wanna see movies in book hye soo gave me.
She is talking about her mother's shorts. scarf is nice, and cumfy. hye soo hates it, I like it. Class is over. done
What was homework? shoot.

I find this puppet guy on youtube really entertaining. yes they are kinda dumb, but i love it.

For your obscure entertainment

Happy new years

First of all happy new years.

i'm sitting in my bed being a lazy butt. sigh.
So i watched the Dick Clark new years party thingy that they do everysingle year and........wow. Apparently Dick Clark died and they got some faulty robot replacement. It was frightening. He looked like fake and weird and then he started to talk....everything was all slurred and incomprehensible, Ryan seacrest would just be like "you're completely right boss!" cuz nobody new what he was saying.
Now I guess he had a stroke a while back and thats why. but why is he still on tv? The poor guy its humiliating. Its horrible. He's on there sayin "Thang youawlfohhr jshooning uus hewreon new ears...." and so on and you just wanna die its so painful to watch. It was like happy cheesey new years eve in times square crap lalalala and then the camera switches to good ol' Dick............ most uncomfortable experience ever.

-so thank goodness for the auto save thing on here cuz my stupid computer just turned itself off for no reason.



Watch up to the slobber kiss part. Yes, I know I am horrible but it was just embarrassing to watch, the poor guy, take him off