driving

I hate being irritated and depressed for no reason. Occasionally I just get that way, something triggers it (usually something miniscule) and then it completely overwhelms me. I just wanna do something that will completely absorb me in something different where I don't have to deal with stuff (cuz I know I won't deal with it well in my state) and then when people don't want to and complain I get really really frustrated and angry and irritated and crap. which is completely unreasonable and I know that, which is why I usually just stop myself from doing anything and wander off somewhere so I don't do anything I'll regret. Sometimes I do stuff I regret regardless. Then everyone thinks i'm grumpy and mad, which I am, but not for logical reasons, I don't mean to be and I don't want to be.... it just takes over. My mind picks out all kinds of stuff to be irritated about, little things that haven't even come up in a while or just... i don't know..... really dumb crap. I hate it, I HATE IT! I wish I could be in control of myself, I hate feeling like I'm sliding on ice and totally lost control of steering. And I never wanna talk to people about it cuz I don't think they'll get it, plus I'm afraid I'll say stuff I won't mean and it'll come back to bite me.
Then of course, whenever I get frustrated or really really anxious I get depressed after. It's just some stupid pattern. Everyone wants to know whats wrong, and I wanna tell them, but I don't even know what is wrong. There's no reason. I'm depressed because I'm depressed.
It's like everything gets all blurred and I can't see it clearly, not literally, but like everything has a depression screen in front of it. Everything gets filtered into my brain so that its depressing and sad, no matter what it is. I feel like I'm about to cry constantly. I feel completely alone even though I have a million close friends around, I feel pathetic and small and worthless. I feel cruel, I feel hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm trapped in some box that I can't break out of and it's slowly filling with water.
I wanna break through the box but I don't know how, I want someone to help and do it for me, but I can't, I can only do it myself, but I'm to down and tired and sunken to do it myself. So I just sit and wait it out.
Sometimes it goes over time. Sometimes it fades a bit and comes back again. Sometimes it doesn't go til the next morning. Sometimes I wake up and its still there.
I've learned to control it better but, I just get tired of constantly watching the road and working the gears, I wanna pull over for a bit or switch drivers, but thats the place where the car metaphor doesn't work. You can't really pull over in life, it's gonna keep going. When I lay off and let go.. I swerve and loose control.....and end up like this. It can happen in a split second and last for days.
I feel so lost and alone and, well frankly, crazy.
I really suck at driving.